thanks cheastle for this!!! awesome!
(originally on my wordpress blog, but I posted it here as well because why not)
Hey Guys! Good news! Tony Abbott took five minutes out of his busy schedule of condoning bigotry and not really being all that worried about the whole NDIS thing to announce that Australia is going back to the future with its very own band of crime band of elite crime fighting superheroes Knighthoods for pre-eminent Australians! And damehoods for the chicks of calibre or something! But mainly knighthoods for dudes Tony thinks are awesome! Oh Tony, Do they get a sword and cape? Shiny armour and a steed? A complimentary ticket to All Manly Sea Eagles home games and a VIP pass for McDonalds Drive Thrus? No? well let me be the first to say screw that then. But then the nation turned its attention to attention to a much bigger question: should Uel and Shanelle have been kicked off My Kitchen Rules?
And, oh yeah, who would Tony deem to be worthy of this brain-meltingly irrelevant title? Here are my top five:
Sir John Howard for Just Generally Keeping it Real, Kids : I was going to say Rupert Murdoch, but then I remembered he lost his Australian citizenship in 1985 and laughed for like a full five minutes. So John Howard: the most conservative man to ever conservative in Australia, cricket tragic and expert power walker gets the nod. What is really fun to think about is that this guy didn’t even bother with this ludicrous stunt, and he probably has a signed poster of the Queen on the back of his bedroom door. And bathroom door. and a lock of her hair with him at all times.
He probably also calls her, then hangs up when he answers. Just to hear her voice.
Sir George Brandis For Services to Upholding the Rights of the Bigot in the Face of Racial Harmony and Non Soul-Crushing Stupidity: Australia’s Attorney General wants to let us (but mainly just Andrew Bolt) know that it is okay to let our bigot flag fly, and that everyone else should just like it, okay? Also, try not to read too much into the fact that his passionate defence of bigots came in response to a question in the senate posed by Nova Peris, the first indigenous woman to be elected to federal parliament (and incidentally the first indigenous woman to win an Olympic gold medal).
Don’t worry people, Australia is fine. Last week, you seven year old was participating in Harmony Day, where he and his classmates bought in food representing their cultural background to share with each other over lunch. This week, his right to carry hatred to his grave and sing it Westboro Baptist-style was upheld in parliament by an old white guy when questioned by a woman whose culture essentially has survived two hundred plus years of systematic discrimination and/or annihilation. Yay Team Us!
Dame David Koch for Services to Women of Calibre and Also the Dud Broads Who Probably Aren’t Even That Good Looking: In the same way that it is ultimately in the best interests of Australian women if the Prime Minister for Women is in fact a man, it is probably better if accolades meant for women are also awarded to men, because lets face it, our tiny female brains would be overwhelmed with the responsibility of having to be a Dame and also do the housework or whatever women actually do (Tony is not even totally sure because honestly, he just sort of tunes out when Margie starts crapping on about her day). Anyway, known feminist and all-round good guy David Koch is a clear choice here after his strong advocacy for breast feeding mothers and his co-anchors right to a stripper pole.
Sir Victa Lawnmower for Services in Keeping the Masses Occupied: Controversial given that it is not a person in the strictest sense-or indeed any sense-however the victa mower has changed very little since the 1950′s, making it emblematic of current thinking on any number of issues. Also symbolises the Great Australian Dream of owning and proudly tending to your own home in the ‘burbs with a decent sized yard for the kids, and a pool…which you will never afford, sucker. And if you do sign yourself up for that enormo-mortgage, the drone of the lawnmower, coupled with the tedium of the task at hand, will give you time to regularly reflect on exactly how much you owe the bank for years to come.
Sir James Tiberius Kirk for Services to Science and Intergalactic Diplomacy: Again, controversial for any number of reasons, but lets face it, this loser country we call Straya is never going to have a space programme, mainly because we are quite crap and don’t have the money to afford nice things, much like your shady deadbeat uncle. If we go to space, we are going to need outside help. Also, today’s space programmes are so very dull in that all astronauts do is hang with a group of unknown Russians for long periods of time and talk to school kids about their “science experiments”, also like your shady deadbeat uncle. Captain Kirk guns around the galaxy with like four hundred of his closest friends at warp freaking speed and nails all the green hotties he can, whilst overcoming the barriers of living in the future, not being Australian and also being completely fictitious. The best any Australian can do, by comparison, is a fairly impressive fireworks display on New Years Eve and stare awkwardly at leaders of better countries at the G20 Summit.
Honourable mentions: Agro, the sweariest puppet this country has ever seen, The Corby family for their diplomatic efforts with Indonesia, and Malcolm Turnbull, just to really mess with people, but mainly to mess with Malcolm.
This Squidward gif Susi posted and this HAIM song are perfectly synced and I’m feeling things i thought I forgot how to feel